To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton
who obviously would rather be an emasculated,
infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy
to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over
the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we
say, ethics involved with independence and the
embracement of your community has proven to be
very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as
well as creating music along with reading and writing
for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words
about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go
out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't
affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury,
who seemed to love, relish in the the love and
adoration from the crowd which is something I totally
admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one
of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime
I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and
pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel
as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk
out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to
appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not
enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have
affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one
of those narcissists who only appreciate things when
they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly
numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as
a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation
for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of
our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the
guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in
all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so
much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad
little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man.
Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and
empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of
what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every
person she meets because everyone is good and will
do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to
where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of
Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive,
death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since
the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all
humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for
people to get along that have empathy. Only because I
love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous
stomach for your letters and concern during the past
years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't
have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's
better to burn out than to fade away.

    Peace, love, empathy.
    Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.